Today has been a good day. There’s been no particular reason for it, but for the first time in weeks, my mood is lifted and my mind clearer, more focused. So I intend to keep it that way. Not by trying, not by forcing a smile on my face or putting myself under any pressure, but by just being. By taking a moment to be in the moment. Enjoy some time to myself and focus on the positive mood I have in me right at this moment. So, with that being said, I’ve decided to take a new approach on today’s blog.
The last entry was focused after a particularly bad day. After a day where I’d had a disappointing doctors appointment, which then caused a chain reaction into how my mood progressed throughout the day. I wanted to end it then and there. I wanted to stop the pain and stop the suffering but I didn’t know how. Which is why I wrote. I wrote that pain away, I poured my heart out into my journal, I put up a new post for you guys. I emptied myself into the pages in front of me. But I was bitter. I was so negative and focusing on what people were doing wrong, how people were making me feel worse. But what about the things they do right? What about the small things I miss because my mood has consumed me and blinded me to the beauty in people and life around me?
I’ve had a good therapy session today. A lot of things have clicked. Granted, it’s only session 4, I still have a very long way to go, but I’ve started to see improvements for the first time in a very long time. I didn’t feel scared today, usually my anxiety goes through the roof when I’m getting ready to go and see my therapist. I worry about the things I’ll say, the tears I’ll cry and the emotions it will bring in me. But I’ve had a lightbulb moment. What happens when you embrace those feelings? Let them be, accept them and deal with them head on for exactly what they are? And so I did. I’ve let myself just be. I’ve not tried to suppress anything, I’ve not tried to stop myself feeling and it’s helped. It’s really bloody helped!
The risk of starting therapy is that it is going to draw on a lot of painful memories. It’s going to surface feelings you forgot existed, over experiences you’ve buried deep within, for one reason or another. It’s going to hurt, it’s going to be easy and it’s going to stir that volcano that’s laid dormant for so long. It may not erupt, but it’s bubbling. I think that’s what has happened with me over the last four weeks. I’m tackling issues that I struggle with. That I have buried. And it’s caused a muddled brain, upset me no end and I’ve reacted and acted out on those I love. I’ve picked holes, I’ve got angry, I’ve clung on too tight and I have been hell. I’ve been living in hell in my head and projecting that out for everyone else to walk through the fire with me. But then I erupted. And boy did I go. The tears, the screaming, the horrible words. It was awful. It broke my heart and the heart of others around me. But with that, I have settled. I woke up this morning and for the first time my life isn’t one big mist. I’m not saying I’ve had a miraculous sleep and I’ve woken up cured, but I’ve got a new mindset and a new clarity with how to move forward.
Because of that I’m now able to see how lucky I am to still have certain people around me. And for that, I thank them. I thank them for sticking by me through every tear I’ve shed (I could probably have made up the earths ocean by now). I thank them for not walking away for every nasty word that’s come out of my mouth. I thank them for taking time out from their life to help me, support me and in turn help me realise there are other ways out. I’ve realised how truly loved I am, and that was always part of the problem. I could never see it. Always require validation. But now I can start to accept it. I have caused a lot of hurt and I have made so many lives hell through my illness and through my mind. But I owe these people their lives back. I owe them a million smiles, a million helping hands and I will never take them for granted again.
Life will get me down again. It will be a struggle and I still have a long way to go. But by accepting my flaws, by accepting my emotions and for taking them as they are, I can’t start to rationalise everything happening and make that path to god damn happiness and health!
I have hope. For me and for everyone out there going through a hard time. You’re all special, and you are all loved no matter what. Don’t give up, don’t let go. It is possible and you are the strongest people out there!
I’m still me and so are you 😘