It’s okay!

Today has been a good day. There’s been no particular reason for it, but for the first time in weeks, my mood is lifted and my mind clearer, more focused. So I intend to keep it that way. Not by trying, not by forcing a smile on my face or putting myself under any pressure, but by just being. By taking a moment to be in the moment. Enjoy some time to myself and focus on the positive mood I have in me right at this moment. So, with that being said, I’ve decided to take a new approach on today’s blog.

The last entry was focused after a particularly bad day. After a day where I’d had a disappointing doctors appointment, which then caused a chain reaction into how my mood progressed throughout the day. I wanted to end it then and there. I wanted to stop the pain and stop the suffering but I didn’t know how. Which is why I wrote. I wrote that pain away, I poured my heart out into my journal, I put up a new post for you guys. I emptied myself into the pages in front of me. But I was bitter. I was so negative and focusing on what people were doing wrong, how people were making me feel worse. But what about the things they do right? What about the small things I miss because my mood has consumed me and blinded me to the beauty in people and life around me?

I’ve had a good therapy session today. A lot of things have clicked. Granted, it’s only session 4, I still have a very long way to go, but I’ve started to see improvements for the first time in a very long time. I didn’t feel scared today, usually my anxiety goes through the roof when I’m getting ready to go and see my therapist. I worry about the things I’ll say, the tears I’ll cry and the emotions it will bring in me. But I’ve had a lightbulb moment. What happens when you embrace those feelings? Let them be, accept them and deal with them head on for exactly what they are? And so I did. I’ve let myself just be. I’ve not tried to suppress anything, I’ve not tried to stop myself feeling and it’s helped. It’s really bloody helped!

The risk of starting therapy is that it is going to draw on a lot of painful memories. It’s going to surface feelings you forgot existed, over experiences you’ve buried deep within, for one reason or another. It’s going to hurt, it’s going to be easy and it’s going to stir that volcano that’s laid dormant for so long. It may not erupt, but it’s bubbling. I think that’s what has happened with me over the last four weeks. I’m tackling issues that I struggle with. That I have buried. And it’s caused a muddled brain, upset me no end and I’ve reacted and acted out on those I love. I’ve picked holes, I’ve got angry, I’ve clung on too tight and I have been hell. I’ve been living in hell in my head and projecting that out for everyone else to walk through the fire with me. But then I erupted. And boy did I go. The tears, the screaming, the horrible words. It was awful. It broke my heart and the heart of others around me. But with that, I have settled. I woke up this morning and for the first time my life isn’t one big mist. I’m not saying I’ve had a miraculous sleep and I’ve woken up cured, but I’ve got a new mindset and a new clarity with how to move forward.

Because of that I’m now able to see how lucky I am to still have certain people around me. And for that, I thank them. I thank them for sticking by me through every tear I’ve shed (I could probably have made up the earths ocean by now). I thank them for not walking away for every nasty word that’s come out of my mouth. I thank them for taking time out from their life to help me, support me and in turn help me realise there are other ways out. I’ve realised how truly loved I am, and that was always part of the problem. I could never see it. Always require validation. But now I can start to accept it. I have caused a lot of hurt and I have made so many lives hell through my illness and through my mind. But I owe these people their lives back. I owe them a million smiles, a million helping hands and I will never take them for granted again.

Life will get me down again. It will be a struggle and I still have a long way to go. But by accepting my flaws, by accepting my emotions and for taking them as they are, I can’t start to rationalise everything happening and make that path to god damn happiness and health!

I have hope. For me and for everyone out there going through a hard time. You’re all special, and you are all loved no matter what. Don’t give up, don’t let go. It is possible and you are the strongest people out there!

I’m still me and so are you 😘

Why can’t you just be normal?

Why can’t you just be normal?
Any normal girlfriend wouldn’t react like that!
If you could just stop being dramatic and childish for one second!

These are things I hear more often than not. As mentioned in my first post, I am on a bit of a journey of self discovery at the moment. I’m on the NHS waiting list for anxiety treatment (14 weeks later and still waiting). I am in the process of finding out if I have borderline personality disorder (in other words, they don’t want to diagnose me because I’ve been told that it’s not very helpful to do so and I was also told there’s not much they can do…) Im being given anti depressants as an interim solution and I’m finally taking steps to better the things that have been consuming me for far too long. However, this isn’t going to be an overnight fix and I know I have a long road ahead of me. Why is it not so easy for other people, especially the ones closest to you, to understand that?

To give some background, I spent a year of my life in the worst relationship of my life. I was abused, I was made to feel worthless, not good enough. I walked on eggshells. I flinched every time he came near me. But I survived. However, just because I got out of a horrible situation, just because I did survive, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still carry any of the weight from that time. I still hear the words “you’re a disgusting person” “you’re nothing to me” “you make me feel physically sick” “you’re a nasty c***”. I still fear waking up in the mornings because they were the worst. Not knowing how the day would progress. That stuff stays with you! It takes a lot to recondition your brain to expect anything else.

Back to now though. In a relationship with the love of my life, a relationship that should be amazing, but for some reason I just cannot let myself be happy. I cannot let go of the fear of being hurt again and I’m SO scared of losing the one person who has put a smile on my face again. I’ve started acting out. I’ve started reacting in extreme ways to things that could so easily be dealt with otherwise. I get upset more than I smile. And I have such a fear of abandonment it makes me do things that make me seem like an absolute clingy control freak. I call too much, I text too much. I push him away, I miss him, I love him. My life is so bad, everyone would be better off without me. *Blah, blah, blah* 😩

So I started doing some research, some soul searching and reflecting on past relationships, relationships with my family, my friends and I can see some sort of pattern. The anxiety has always been there, the depression comes in waves. The clingy behaviour has come and gone, and was usually triggered by a previous bad experience. But nonetheless the behavioral patterns were always there. That’s where I discovered the traits of BPD. For the first time in a long time, I could see that other people were going through similar situations, were reacting in ways exactly the same as me. I didn’t feel so crazy. I’m not alone in this journey. So why am I made to feel like I am?

Why today is there such an emphasis on the “perfect life”? Why is there such a thing about “normal”? The timeline of when things should and shouldn’t happen. The way you should and shouldn’t react. The feelings you should and shouldn’t feel? That’s why I am now sticking two fingers up to the world.

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There is no such thing as normal. And the perfect life is relative to you and your experiences. I don’t want to have the heightened emotions that I do. I don’t want to get upset more than I should at the small things. I don’t want to have what feels like such little control over my emotions. But right now, that’s me. That’s something I am working on and this is my path. So for those who love me and those who care, please try and take the time to understand. Please don’t write me off before you’ve given me a chance. And please, I beg you, don’t tell me to be normal. Don’t compare me to any other “normal” person. Don’t tell me I’m clingy, or that I call too much. Don’t tell me I’m a horrible person, I’m not, or at least not meaning to be. These are things I already know. There are reasons why I am how I am, but there are also no rational explanations for other parts of how I am. But I know. I know I can be too much. I know I am hard to love. I know I can push you away. But I don’t mean it. I’m trying too hard. It’s all I think about and it’s making me feel worse. So please, I need love. I need support. And I need to know that you’ll at least try to understand. And if you can’t do that, I need you to walk away. Because you know how much I care. You know my heart is in the right place. Just sometimes I muddle up the right way to show it. Don’t try and tell me otherwise, because all it does is hurt and in my head proves me right that I’m not good enough. I know I’m difficult, but I just need the time and the support to get me through this.

I’m still me.

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The journey begins…

Life *sigh* How many of us can say we’re truly satisfied right now? Are you happy in the job you have? Are you happy in the relationship you’re in? Happy with the company you keep? In the place you live? Happy with the choices you have made and continue to make?

Most of us would struggle to answer yes to every single question above. But why is that?! Surely we’re all well equipped to follow the paths we want to follow and surely we all have the capabilities to make the choices we want to make, right? But for some reason, the pressures and obstacles in today’s society have lead us to not enjoying what we already have and always wanting more.

Now, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Pressure can be such a positive thing, but more often than not the more pressure you put onto something, the more likely it is to go BANG! Where do we draw the line and start appreciating what we have in order to achieve more without abusing our minds and bodies in the process?

I have never considered myself as one to write, however, just lately I’ve found a real comfort and a new love in putting pen to paper, or finger to phone so to speak. I’ve reached a point, at the grand old age of 25 😬 where I’m starting to question a lot of the choices I’ve made. I’m starting to question a lot of the feelings I’ve had and the struggles I’m facing. To be quite honest, I’ve found coping to be the biggest struggle of them all. That’s where this blog comes in! I’m sure for most people, there comes a point where you feel you’re at a bit of a cross road? Feel a bit lost and a bit down? That’s where I am right now. So I figured, if I were to write my experiences, write my personal battles for others to see, I may be able to help someone else through their own.

This is my little world, this is my journey and I want you to follow it with me! A problem shared is a problem halved, right? And to know I’m not alone and, more importantly, you’re not alone, we may be able to figure out this journey together!

Please feel free to comment, leave suggestions on future posts, share advice and just enjoy reading!